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Not accepted by my partner's family


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#1
OFFLINE   Rossy88

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I'm a gay guy and this is the 6th year I've been with my partner now. When we first got together, I had only just come out, my family were accepting and couldn't have been more supportive. He wasn't ready to tell anyone and so the first two years were pretty rocky, very on and off and we eventually broke up as he felt he couldn't tell his family.

Then, he finally did and we got back together and that's how it's been ever since. However, he has never told anyone other than his parents and sister, and they have encouraged him to keep it that way and not to let any other relatives know because they don't think they will be as accepting as they have been. Consequently, I am left out of anything that ventures outside of the house, whilst my partner's sister's boyfriend is fully welcomed and included in everything. It is really hard to deal with and sometimes I really don't know which way to turn. This week, it came to a head as it was his sister's birthday so I was round there for the day. While I was there, some family friends turned up with a present. They came in, sat down and had clearly met the other boyfriend before as they were really chatty with him. For about the first couple of minutes, they didn't even notice me sitting there, then finally they were like "oh hi" and then carried on talking to everyone else. Nobody made any attempt to introduce me and i just sat there for about half an hour feeling like a complete outsider.

I really don't know what to do. I love my partner so much and I know that he loves me, but I realise he is in a very difficult situation at home. If his parents are telling him people aren't going to be accepting and he's living under their roof, it's difficult for him to do anything about it because he's torn and obviously doesn't want to upset them. I feel like, if I love him, why am I being so selfish in wanting him to potentially be disowned by members of his family. We have argued about it so many times so I haven't said anything about last week but I'm sure he must know how I felt about it. In a couple of years when we can afford to move in together, he tells me it will be different, but I really don't know how to deal with it until then. By then, I am going to feel so bitter towards those few relatives who have been ok with me because from my point of view, if they truly accepted who he was, under no circumstances would they expect me to be treated any differently from how a girl would be?

I sometimes feel like if he loved me enough, he would tell people regardless but then at the same time, I know how he must feel and how it isn't as black and white as that. In some ways, I think if it was black and white and I could just be like "oh, he's being selfish and I'm not standing for it" it would be ok because I'd have a clear path to go down. This is more complicated though and whichever way I turn, I feel hurt by it.

Anyway, sorry for the very long rant, just needed to get it off my chest. Has anyone else had any similar experiences/ got any opinions about it?



#2
OFFLINE   Michaela

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I have never been in any situation similar but I have to say, I hate people like that. So what. Love is love and at the end of the day THAT is what matters. Male, Female. His parents should be over the moon that their son has someone who loves him (and appears to be willing to go through hell for him with all they are putting you through) instead of worrying about the stigma of being 'gay' (I just ' ' as I don't really think you should be classed as anything but in a relationship - if that makes sense.) That is why the world is how it is.

I think it love there never is (or will be) and easy option. If you want to work at the relationship I think you HAVE to tell him how you feel and make sure he knows just how much it is hurting you - whilst being supportive.

I hope it works out

#3
OFFLINE   Johnnii

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I'm a gay guy and this is the 6th year I've been with my partner now. When we first got together, I had only just come out, my family were accepting and couldn't have been more supportive. He wasn't ready to tell anyone and so the first two years were pretty rocky, very on and off and we eventually broke up as he felt he couldn't tell his family.

Then, he finally did and we got back together and that's how it's been ever since. However, he has never told anyone other than his parents and sister, and they have encouraged him to keep it that way and not to let any other relatives know because they don't think they will be as accepting as they have been. Consequently, I am left out of anything that ventures outside of the house, whilst my partner's sister's boyfriend is fully welcomed and included in everything. It is really hard to deal with and sometimes I really don't know which way to turn. This week, it came to a head as it was his sister's birthday so I was round there for the day. While I was there, some family friends turned up with a present. They came in, sat down and had clearly met the other boyfriend before as they were really chatty with him. For about the first couple of minutes, they didn't even notice me sitting there, then finally they were like "oh hi" and then carried on talking to everyone else. Nobody made any attempt to introduce me and i just sat there for about half an hour feeling like a complete outsider.

I really don't know what to do. I love my partner so much and I know that he loves me, but I realise he is in a very difficult situation at home. If his parents are telling him people aren't going to be accepting and he's living under their roof, it's difficult for him to do anything about it because he's torn and obviously doesn't want to upset them. I feel like, if I love him, why am I being so selfish in wanting him to potentially be disowned by members of his family. We have argued about it so many times so I haven't said anything about last week but I'm sure he must know how I felt about it. In a couple of years when we can afford to move in together, he tells me it will be different, but I really don't know how to deal with it until then. By then, I am going to feel so bitter towards those few relatives who have been ok with me because from my point of view, if they truly accepted who he was, under no circumstances would they expect me to be treated any differently from how a girl would be?

I sometimes feel like if he loved me enough, he would tell people regardless but then at the same time, I know how he must feel and how it isn't as black and white as that. In some ways, I think if it was black and white and I could just be like "oh, he's being selfish and I'm not standing for it" it would be ok because I'd have a clear path to go down. This is more complicated though and whichever way I turn, I feel hurt by it.

Anyway, sorry for the very long rant, just needed to get it off my chest. Has anyone else had any similar experiences/ got any opinions about it?

My Heart goes out to you and your partner, all i can say is don't give up on love, i know how it feels to be alone and isolated and im still there it's not a good feeling. I am alone not by choice but by force. I tried to come out to my inner family (who i live with) in a nice way and tell them that i am gay and the only one who accepts me is my sister and my mother a bit. My dad said if i ever act on my feelings he will kick me out of the house and my uncle threatened to kill me, he says no nephew of mine is gay. My dad thinks its an illness and i told him "Does it look like im dieing, maybe inside because of the way you are treating me, but im not dieing". You should all sit down and talk, get your partner to ask his parents "How much do you love me?, cause if you do then respect me and trust me to be me, i dont expect you to accept what i am but if you are true parents then you should love me no matter what." "Tell them that love is love, judging leave no room to be loved, but loving leave room to love and be loved." also ''you don't choose in love you fall in love, love is between hearts not between genders." "Two dads are better than none." "Tell them not to fear what others think because they know who their son is they don't need to worry what other people think." "I accept you and love you for who you are as a person, not what your sexual orientation is." "love has no limits, love has no boundaries, love is not judgemental or discriminative, love doesn't judge, love love's." I support you and your partner if that helps. I hope you guys have better luck at convincing them than i have trying to convince mine.

Edited by Johnnii, 09 June 2012 - 05:25 AM.


#4
OFFLINE   ninafan

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Johnnii your dad might still be thinking the old way about homosexuality, it used to be classed as a mental illness which was wrong. I don't get how so called Christians view homosexuality, if God is love then how can the way 2 people love each other be wrong? You can't help who you fall in love with and for some that's someone of the same gender.

#5
OFFLINE   Johnnii

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Johnnii your dad might still be thinking the old way about homosexuality, it used to be classed as a mental illness which was wrong. I don't get how so called Christians view homosexuality, if God is love then how can the way 2 people love each other be wrong? You can't help who you fall in love with and for some that's someone of the same gender.

I agree with you 120% ninafan

#6
OFFLINE   Nichole-Delta

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Love is Love! I'll tell you my story later going to bed tired!
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